For the western Muslim woman finding a spouse, and maintainingg a strong relationship is becoming more and more difficult.  In this blog post I will only discuss one of the roadblocks the these women face when they take the step towards marriage: Fear of oppression.

Though we as Muslim women are loathe to stereotype our men, certainly the media does a fine job of that, we have witnessed and heard enough stories about fanatically religious or uber traditional men and the disastrous and oppressive marriages that follow.  This is probablly the point that women most consult me on.  Many western women are educated, and raised in a society where they are taught (though it may not work out this way in practice always) that they are on an equal level with men.  So while many women are willing to submit on certain levels to their husbands, they still desire to be seen as valuable and equal in their relationships.

The problem is that many men, especially those not raised in the west, are reluctant to give women this status.  In general men want to be respected, deferred to, appreciated, and validated in the household.  However, reciprocating these actions in an overt manner is not a part their natural thought process.  Many women have “been there and done that”  and are not looking to be in these types of relationships.

This position is certainly understandable, but that leaves us with lots eligible women and few truly progressive men.  This may be where compromise, the woman’s burden, comes into play.  Women must take a step back and evaluate the intentions of the man.  Does he act in ways that displease her because he truly does not value her, respect her, or see her a intellectually equal?  Or is it because he was just being inconsiderate at the moment? Did he really even do anything wrong at all, and is she projecting her doubts about herself, her lifestyle, and personal fulfillment onto him. Any of the above could be true.

There are landmines that we all can navigate.  They usually are pretty obvious.  As a matchmaker I can typically pick out the no go’s in the first 10 minutes of the conversation.  However, my sense is that men don’t always interpret their actions the way women do.  Wishing for a man who listens to your ideas all of the time, takes your advice, and tells you how much he appreciates what you do around the house, and values your work in the house as equal to his outside of the house is probably as good as wishing for a big old pot of gold.  It’s probably not going to happen like that on a regular basis. However, some of the things that you want of him you can likely get over time.  It will be a process of him learning you and what you want, and vice versa.  If you have a husband that fears Allah and respects you then it is likely that how you perceive his actions have as much to do with you as him.  Just food for thought.

As Muslims our goal should be to please Allah (SWT) and then please our families.  You should should take time to please yourself as well.  The more whole that you are, the more whole the relationship will be.

Just the musings of a Matchmaker
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