I have personally seen many individuals, both men and women, being held back by an idealistic frame of mind. Their mindset is influenced by media, other married people, and other sources which lead them to expect that some ideal person/package is waiting somewhere in this world for him or her to marry.

They keep waiting and waiting and years pass by.  And when they come out of that dream, they are in their late 30s or 40s, unmarried, and disillusioned. They get frustrated by the seemingly limited choices available (far from their ideal) which may have been numerous, when they were younger. In my humble opinion, parents and others should guide such dreamers back to reality. The sooner they realized that people cannot be manufactured to suite all of their standards, the better it is. I personally know a friend  who is waiting for a girl who is young, gorgeous, humble, with a low pitched voice, who will cook him Chinese and Italian foods, educated, professional, have wealthy background, and above all of the same caste as his. I have advised him hundreds times to drop some of his long list of requirements, but he is not willing to do so yet.

Any sensible person will imagine how on this earth he is going to get everything in one package. I am sorry to say, this is a pretty absurd idea. The same kind of behavior is sometimes shown by parents who search for a “perfect” match for their daughter or son and spoil the lives of their children.

Realism is the name of the marriage game.  Everyone has standards.  It is prudent to choose what things will be integral to your happiness in a relationship, but as a matter of realism, keep your list short, and expect that you will compromise on some issues. 

 by: Ecosmos

I my opinion later is a better option for anyone young and not financially settled yet. Starting a new life with a partner will ultimately pose new financial demands on a young husband. Why put yourself and your partner in crisis and lose the essence of happy marriage. This is especially important if you are planning to live on your own after marriage. That means starting from scratch. Living is expensive all over the world these days. The Prophet Muhammad (MPBH) said:

`O young people! Whoever among you can support a wife should marry, for that is more modest for the gaze and safer for your private parts.’

I have bolded the statement related to our topic which clearly states one who can support his wife should go for marriage. Now that support is a quite relative term and there is no reference value in it. One person living in Africa may be able to support his wife for say $100 a month, while someone living in Paris may need lot more than that. Therefore, each individual can well imagine how much he will need after getting married.

by: Ecosmos

 As narrated by Anas bin Malik “Three men came to the houses of wives of Prophet (PBUH) and asked how the Prophet worshiped Allah, and when they were informed about that, they thought their worship being insufficient and said, “Where are we from Prophet as his past and future sins have been forgiven.” The other men said, “I will offer prayer throughout the night forever.” The third one said, “I will keep away from the women and will not marry forever.” Allah’s Apostle came to them and said, “Are you the same people who said so-and-so? By Allah, I am more submissive to Allah and more afraid of him than you; yet I fast and break my fast, I do sleep and I also marry women. So he, who does not follow my way in religion, is not one of my followers.” Islam wants every believer to live in this world in a natural way and does not allow him to follow the path of celibacy at all and prescribes for him marriage unless there is some strong reason to not do so.

by: Ecosmos

They sometimes find themselves unready for the realities of the responsibilities that are a part of marriage which can result in a bad start for a family, and disillusionment further into the relationship. Muslim singles should be fully aware of, and accepting of the responsibilities of whatever role they are going to play in the marital relationship. Talk to your elders, friends, spiritual leaders, or anyone already married and he or she can give your some very good advice to help in making a good decision. In some cultures the parents are the primary decision makers in this process.  If the decision is being made by your parents or other family members, talk to them and share your fears or apprehensions. Keep in mind that it is your own decision that matters most, so be frank with you parents and discuss your expectations for marriage, and desire to or not to be married. There is nothing to be afraid of, but having a clear mindset will, Insha’Allah, help you in the long run.

by: Ecosmos 

Tell us what makes you an eligible Muslim single, or nominate someone you know!  Send submissions to admin@islamicintros.com

This is a complaint that I have heard a few times.  Though I know it must be frustrating for you, you must understand that many Muslim women are reluctant to relocate with a new husband. 

Most Muslim courtships are short at best, so there is always a fear that things may not work out.  In the case that things do no t work out the woman is the only one who have made the sacrifices, and will be the one left to pick up the pieces.

The only solution that I see for this is to make this one of the first questions that you bring up with a sister. There is no need to waist your time if the sister is not willing to move where you are. 

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Though we as Muslim women are loathe to stereotype our men, certainly the media does a fine job of that, we have witnessed and heard enough stories about fanatically religious or uber traditional men and the disastrous and oppressive marriages that follow.  This is probablly the point that women most consult me on.  Many western women are educated, and raised in a society where they are taught (though it may not work out this way in practice always) that they are on an equal level with men.  So while many women are willing to submit on certain levels to their husbands, they still desire to be seen as valuable and equal in their relationships.

The problem is that many men, especially those not raised in the west, are reluctant to give women this status.  In general men want to be respected, deferred to, appreciated, and validated in the household.  However, reciprocating these actions in an overt manner is not a part their natural thought process.  Many women have “been there and done that”  and are not looking to be in these types of relationships.

This position is certainly understandable, but that leaves us with lots eligible women and few truly progressive men.  This may be where compromise, the woman’s burden, comes into play.  Women must take a step back and evaluate the intentions of the man.  Does he act in ways that displease her because he truly does not value her, respect her, or see her a intellectually equal?  Or is it because he was just being inconsiderate at the moment? Did he really even do anything wrong at all, and is she projecting her doubts about herself, her lifestyle, and personal fulfillment onto him. Any of the above could be true.

There are landmines that we all can navigate.  They usually are pretty obvious.  As a matchmaker I can typically pick out the no go’s in the first 10 minutes of the conversation.  However, my sense is that men don’t always interpret their actions the way women do.  Wishing for a man who listens to your ideas all of the time, takes your advice, and tells you how much he appreciates what you do around the house, and values your work in the house as equal to his outside of the house is probably as good as wishing for a big old pot of gold.  It’s probably not going to happen like that on a regular basis. However, some of the things that you want of him you can likely get over time.  It will be a process of him learning you and what you want, and vice versa.  If you have a husband that fears Allah and respects you then it is likely that how you perceive his actions have as much to do with you as him.  Just food for thought.

As Muslims our goal should be to please Allah (SWT) and then please our families.  You should should take time to please yourself as well.  The more whole that you are, the more whole the relationship will be.

Just the musings of a Matchmaker
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I get lots and lots of people contacting me that are 1 month or less out of a divorce.  Some are a year out, and are quite comfortable in single life.  During the initial consultation I get the feeling that its not marriage that they actually desire, but it just seems like the next step for them.  Many times family and community pressure these individuals toward marriage when that person is not mentally ready.

Marriage is one half of our deen in Islam, and can be a very enjoyable union.  However, it takes much effort, emotion, and consideration.  Marriage is a step that should be taken wholeheartedly with the intention of giving n100% to the effort. 

I typically advise clients to consider whether or not they are ready as my clients are serious about marraige and it is a bad reflection on me to deal with people who aren’t serious about getting married.  But in a larger context our mission is to build strong Muslim families.  This begins with fully stable, well intentioned Muslims.

Thank you for your question.  In most cases the man is unwilling to move. 

He typically has a career that he is tied to, and his sense of responsibility in supporting the family makes him unwilling to jeopardize his situation.  That being said I have worked with brothers who are more than willing to relocate.  This could be because they are soon finishing school and are flexible in where to settle down, or simply have a job that they can do from anywhere. 

If this is a deal breaker for you, then it could be a big hurdle, but it certainly is not impossible.

Ma Salaama

Please send all “Ask a Muslim Matchmaker” questions to admin@islamicintros.com

It is always a person’s choice as to who they are attracted to, find common ground with, and generally want to marry.  That being said, it is also my responsibility as a Muslim matchmaker to be honest and realistic with people and make them aware of how their choices will affect their opportunities.

Please always expect this level of honesty from an Islamic Introductions matchmaker.  We won’t promise you the sun, but we will always do our best.